Help Me Determine

Okay folks, I like to consider myself one who sincerely looks at my flaws and tries to correct them in an effort to be a better person. When given constructive criticism I take what is said and wisely use that information as a tool to better myself. I do not think a person's perception of me as all truth but I listen and try to improve when and where I can.

There is a man who has come into my experience and for the past few months he has been sharing with me what he considers to be some pretty sound doctrine regarding dating and male/female interaction from a “self help” book entitled, Play or Be Played by Tariq Nasheed. In this book Tariq is giving women insight on how they can become better women and attract a man of means or a "King" by doing a certain things.

Now some of the things he brings up in the book are interesting I will say, but I do not think I would brand them gospel or use them as a template to live by.

Things that stick out most in my mind the most from the materials I was given are the things I have heard Mr. Genius, the guy who gave the book to read and a podcast to listen to repeat to me over and over again over the past couple of months. And as I read they probably stuck out the most because I have heard them from Mr. Genius numerous times. Things like a lot of black women need to work on their weight, and if white women can do it, why can't a sister. White girl is up at 4am working out why can’t black women do that? I find that Tariq and the two followers I have encountered seem to make a lot of comparison between black and white women. I feel like a man that wants a black woman who makes decisions based on what a women of another race is doing, he should matter find himself a woman of that race. You cannot buy Toyota and put a Lexus kit on it and expect people to think you have a GS300. All you have is a Toyota that you want to look like a Lexus. And I am not saying black women as a whole shouldn’t try to be healthier and be healthier for self, but thin does not equal healthy all by itself nor does it necessarily make someone more attractive or equal beauty in every mans eyes. And Mr. Tariq does not speak of eating healthier or more natural or all organic, in his book he references the fact that weight loss and gain is mathematics which is true and that you need to burn more calories that what you take in. So basically, men are not necessarily looking for us to be healthy so long as our appearance is esthetically pleasing to them. You can have all the high blood pressure and diabetes you want so long as you hit the gym and burn the calories to maintain a certain shape that will please a man enough for him to take interest in you. It is a fact you can eat cake all day and not gain weight so long as you and burn the calories off you will be able to maintain your size or lose weight depending on how much you work out per the nutritionist I work with. But that doesn’t make you happy.

If a single woman has a child or children it is seen as a mark against her and she needs to compensate for that in other ways in order to attract a decent man or a man of means. So a single woman who is a parent should work hard in one or even multiple areas in her life in order to make up for her “shortcoming” of having a child out of wedlock or being divorced since Kings or men of means see them as “baggage”. Sure, most of society and not just men have a negative view of unmarried women with children and society as a whole tends to look down on single motherhood, but I don't. Granted it is not an ideal situation and not how God intended for us to live and raise children but I do not feel like I am less of a person or deserve to be treated like I am less of a person because of it. Mental instability and substance abuse issues are baggage a mate who is insecure or needy is baggage my child is not, and I have no respect for any man or women that sees him as such nor do I need an individual in my life who feels like they can look down on my or judge me or give or take away brownie points because of it. Ladies, the best way to eliminate excess baggage is to get that sorry fits the physical description of a man black, white or orange that views your child as baggage up off your couch or bed or your phone line and find one whose views are not so jaded.

Now this was my favorite part, once a woman gets a man all it takes to keep him is to be able to cook and give oral sex. Now this may be true for a lesser man who only sees his woman as a sexual object and maid, but for a grown man who really knows who he is and can think for himself, and not base his identity or his level of character on what Mr. Nasheed says it should be, this misogynistic way of thinking won’t fly for a woman who knows her worth. Unfortunately many women don’t and most will do whatever they have to get a man even if it means belittling herself. A man who is really looking for a mate to be a partner and companion needs a woman whose worth goes beyond her Superhead capabilities and Bobby Flay skills set. He has to know he can trust her to take care of his children and represent his household amongst other in a positive manner, but you don’t hear about much of that in the book. But then again for the men who follow Tariq’s teachings, we really don’t have to have any real intellectual skills or demonstrate them after we get our man so long as we can put our man in the presence of someone who does. I guess that old saying it’s now what you know it’s who you know is true when it comes to picking a mate as well out of this group of men. I say that because in the book the author stated that a black man of financial means might be better off marrying a white woman of financial means whether inherited or independently earned. And what really upset me was when he said, if a brother needs to ask his women about financial advice if she is white even though she may not have the answer herself she may have the resources to put him in contact with someone who could assist him. Now he didn't say that it was impossible to find black women with these capabilities, but they are a rare breed. Now my mother’s financial planner Brandon left Merrill Lynch right before the economy turned but his co-worker Aaron seems to do a good job and has given my mother some really sound advice over the past few months in regards to her investments. My friend Leslie has given some sound advice when it comes to diversifying my investment option for my 401K and I believe she got her insight from her mother. My friend Kira has built up an awesome ING portfolio over the past year after I suggested she open the account and DeAnna gets some pretty sound investment advise from her brother who is independently wealthy all of which are Black women. Maybe be are just that rare breed Tariq was talking about.

Now I said all of that because I am a bit offended because Mr. Genius, like I said earlier has been talking to me about this for a few months now repeatedly and even took it a step further by giving me the materials he felt I should read in order to gain further insight needed to step my game up. That is if once he leads the horse to water it actually takes a drink.

Now that is all fine and dandy if his intentions are to help me. But when someone not always but quite frequently is pointing these topics out to you what would you think and how would you take it. If you are a black woman who does not fit into the category some would consider an attractive size and someone was almost always talking to you about black women and weight how would you take it or if you were a single mother and you had to hear on more than one occasion that single mothers should step their game up in order to compete would you not feel like someone was trying to let you know that your position was one of inferiority to other single women without children. Now Mr. Genius was kind enough to let me know that he feels like I have potential (I guess in spite of…) and was just trying to help me upgrade myself. But in my opinion, there is a difference between giving someone a little advice in an effort to let them know from your perspective how they can show improve, and constantly letting them know their inadequacies from your vantage point. And when I say repeatedly, I mean I hear it quite often from, it is actually almost all we talk about, how I can better myself and step my game up in an effort to compensate for my shortcomings when it is direct, when it is indirect the comments are usually about black women. At this point not only are my feelings hurt, but I am offended. I even asked Mr. Genius this morning, “If each time I saw you I asked you if you brushed your teeth this morning how would you feel.” He acted as if I was taking what he was doing out of context. He has also said I am a bit sensitive which I do not think is true.

Needless to say I have cut all ties with Mr. Genius as our interaction is not healthy nor is it the type of friendship I need at this point in my life.

Let me know what you think, am I reading what is truly intended to be a kind gesture or nudge in the right direction out of context. And how many times should someone share advice with a friend or acquaintance before it becomes naggingly inappropriate.

As previously state I have no problem working on me and fixing the things I can.

j